That’s what someone said about me 11 years ago when I told her not to quit her day job to start a bakery because her cupcakes were bad. Really bad.
Maybe the ‘Younger Me’ could have been more tactful or perhaps I should have just been super-encouraging and lied through my teeth, but I didn’t want to see her dreams (and her cupcakes) go up in smoke…
Which brings me to the Topic of Today: What do we do when we encounter Negative Feedback, and how should we process it?
Can I share 5 ideas with you?
1. Be Open-minded, Unemotional even.
This is probably the toughest part as our egos often take the brunt of any bad feedback. Too many times, our first response to something negative is to get defensive.
We bristle up and think to ourselves, “Well, what do you know, Mr Poopyhead?!?”
This reminds me of what a Mentor of mine once told me. “Feedback is a Gift you should cherish.”
Why? Because the very fact that someone cares enough to tell you where you went wrong shows that they believe you can do better.
Like your golf coach who corrects your swing, or your driving instructor who tells you to stop hitting traffic cones and other small animals on purpose.
“You only start to worry when people actually STOP giving you feedback,” my mentor shared, “because that’s when they’ve given up on you, totally.”
2. Is the Person Passing the Comment Qualified?
When I was young, I took up Karate. I would spend hours in the basketball court practicing my kicks and punches with my neighbourhood friends and one day, an elderly man with white hair came up to us and started telling us how to improve our kicks.
He resembled an old-school kungfu expert (like ‘PaiMei’ in the Kill Bill movies) and he seemed to know what he was doing, so we listened eagerly to his instructions all afternoon.
At the end of the session, we sat exhausted and grateful for the wisdom imparted and asked him which great school of martial arts he hailed from.
“Oh, none. I just watch a lot of Jackie Chan shows” he said matter-of-factly and he walked off.
I learnt an important lesson that day (besides “don’t trust strange men in playgrounds”).
If you’re given feedback from someone who actually knows better or is qualified or more experienced in that area than you, then take those comments to heart. These words carry a lot of weight.
If however, you encounter a keyboard warrior or a backseat driver telling you where you went wrong, then take whatever they say with a (very large) pinch of salt.
3. Does This Person Have Your Best Interest at Heart?
Ms X was a Sales Manager in an insurance company who had been working for the same boss for 12 years. She never got promoted and was getting increasingly frustrated at her lack of upward mobility.
Whenever she approached her boss for counsel, she would advise, “Maybe you should stop hankering after promotions and increase your sales revenues – the big bosses around here like that.”
Then, in true Ally Mcbeal fashion, our Sales Manager overheard her boss in the washroom speaking to her MD, “I’ll never promote Ms X as she’s my top salesperson. If she’s gone, who’s gonna make money for me?”
Sometimes, you need to measure the feedback given against the source and their intentions. If the person really cares for your growth and well-being, then add more weight to the words received.
Criticisms from folks who mean you harm should be like water off the proverbial duck’s back for you – insulate yourself against them and do not let them harm you.
4. Ask for Even More Advice!
Once you receive feedback, do not just leave it at that. Ask for more!
Treat every valid piece of feedback as an opportunity to learn how to be better. Ask the expert how you could be better, what areas need improvement, and whether they might be willing to mentor or coach you in that space!
Soak up as much wisdom and knowledge from them as you can before they realise that they are actually giving away too much information and will need to start charging you for it!
In fact, if the advice is world-class and beneficial to you, do not be afraid to engage them as a Mentor or even as a paid Coach.
Once you spot a great teacher, do not let him/her go. There is so much to learn and you will be surprised to find out how much they are willing to share! Listen to me, Daniel-san!
5. But Sometimes, You Have to Ignore the Noise
Did you know that the Beatles were rejected by 4 large record labels as a music executive put it, “We don’t like your sound, groups of guitarists are on the way out.”
And that Author JK Rowling was rejected by 12 Publishers and she nearly gave up?
Sometimes, we need to have the guts and conviction to be like Steve Jobs when he famously said, “The customers don’t know what they want.”
Sometimes, we need to power on in spite of the currents of negative comment and advice thrown in your direction as you swim up the river.
When then do we know whether to take on the negative feedback and when to throw caution to the wind?
My advice would be to calm yourself and listen to that Inner Voice. If you ask all the right questions, seek the right answers and be very honest with yourself, you will know in your gut whether you’re right or you’re wrong.
So, can you handle the Truth?
At your next Performance Appraisal, Professional Coaching session, or just having a family dinner with the In-laws, listen to the feedback/criticisms carefully.
Some would make sense, others won’t.
Exercise the Wisdom to discern one from the other and be bold enough to make the right changes, no matter how painful they might be.
Good Luck!!